feeling a tad sorry for myself

Do you ever have one of those weeks when NOTHING seems to go your way? I feel like I must've done something bad to the universe, because it seemingly wants me to fail. I know that I don't always make the best decisions which then lead to me having craptastic things happen...I get that. I am having a pity party for myself, let me have it.

1) In the prior blog I discussed going to the Biggest Loser casting call. I went with my friend Jason and we decided that we'd apply as a team. You get approximently 5 minutes in a room with 10 other people to try to make an impression on a Casting director. I feel that between Jason, another lady, and myself really held the conversation and did the best. Well...despite applying as a team, Jason got a callback and I didn't. I couldn't even make eye contact with him. I was so hurt. None of this was his fault, I am really excited for him. My pride completely got in the way. What do they see in him that they don't see in me? I want to do something spectacular with my life...I was hoping that this would be it. (I re-read this sentence...and I know deep down that I have many opportunities to be spectacular and this isn't the only option. I know this.) I guess I am also jealous because this was my thing. I've wanted to do this for a couple years and Jason didn't care either way. He's had his callback interview today, and according to him, it went very well. sigh...

2) Overall, I'm not that happy. I live in a room (which I am certainly not complaining, Jason and Tony have taken me in graciously and I haven't been able to pay them that much...it's just hard to go from a two bedroom apt. on my own to a room), I am not enjoying my job (again, don't want to complain...I HAVE a job)

I don't seem to have drive. why can't I fight for things, for myself. What makes me just go day by day and just be? I watched the Michael Moore documentary, Capitalism: A Love Story. I got really fired up from watching that. I want to have a voice, and I want to do something that makes a difference. I'm ready to start my life journey. Not only losing weight (all by myself apparently, not with Bob and Jillian!), but bringing passion into my life. I know I have a ton of it, I just need to realize I am worth the passion.