Where art thou Father

My Grandparents and Me.
My Grandmother and I reading together
Entertaining as always!


I'm 32 and have never met my father. Until now, I never really cared if I had ever met him. I told myself that if he didn't care about me, I certainly shouldn't care about him. Well, now, as I am on my journey of self discovery, I cannot fully know myself without knowing all the pieces.

So, I started the ball rolling last week, and nonchalantly asked my mom what information she had on his whereabouts. She didn't know, but said she'd call out to her friends from college that she still keeps in touch with to see if anyone had any info for me. It didn't take long, now all of a sudden I'm given an address, phone number, and an email address. This was all current...in 2004. So, this new info isn't 100%, but at least it's a start.

Now I am left with an empty white page. I don't even know how to begin this email. (I am so not ready for a phone conversation. I think email is a great first step) I know no one can give me the answers, and I am trying to make the words perfect. I guess the fear of rejection is the underlying reason for my writers block.

Who knows what the outcome will be. I'm not really sure what I WANT the outcome to be. I guess I will know that in time. I do want to have an open mind, putting myself into my parents shoes and thinking about what I would've done. I don't want to be angry...although I kind of am angry. I'm angry at my father obviously for not wanting to know me or fighting for me. I'm angry at my mom, who decided FOR ME that it wasn't worth him being in my life rather than wait until I could make that decision for myself. In the back of my mind, however, I am constantly hearing I wouldn't be the person I was today if circumstances were different. Well, yes, maybe not...maybe I would be a better version of what I am currently. Sigh, I should be able to make myself the better version of me.

Well this conversation could go on and on. I don't know the answers yet. I'll keep you posted.